...blog

06/10/26 - thoughts about my future in science

its been a week since i last updated the site and been a little over a week since i started doing a lot more independent stuff during my internship, meaning im in the lab for centuries before going home lol

i wanted to make a blog post by the first of october, however i just got really busy with life stuff including my moving into a different apartment ! and also just general "i cant be bothered" moments.

i feel like my life recently has just been: work -> scroll for an hour -> make dinner/lunch for tomorrow -> shower -> get ready for bed -> sleep but on repeat. i used to be the person who stays up until 3am for no reason, but since my boyfriend and i are finally back on the same timezone, we usually call eachother before bed and he goes to sleep so damn early its starting to rub off on me.

its good since i get 7-9 hours of sleep every night, but at the same time i feel like i dont have enough time to do the things i enjoy e.g. playing games, watching anime/films, not blaming my boyfriend at all, if anything im grateful, but moreso complaining about the dreaded future after i graduate, where i get a job and this is my everyday without the long ass holidays i get as a student.

in terms of social life though, id actually say im doing better than i was at uni, i guess cause im forced to see these people everyday, i've started to find joys in the workplace/small talk, its fun to talk to not only the other interns, but the phd students and research fellows that we work under, super inspiring stuff.

i'd thought about pursuing a phd very loosely, mostly because i wanted to transfer to a more clinical side of pharmacology/biomed, but seeing the research side of things, i'm actually rather interested now loool, i know its a time and money sink, but i think if i find a project or topic im interested in next year, i'll definitely keep it in the cards.

other than internship stuff, i'd say uni work is also kind of piling up LMFAO i have to write a dissertation this academic year, so i need to start thinking of a topic and preliminary title for it. i have a meeting with my internship supervisor next week so hopefully i can get one before then...

16/09/26 - first few days of my internship

im so dead and my feet hurt

i've only done a tiny bit of actual lab work myself (pipetting and centrifugation) but the fact that i was on my feet for 7 hours doing nothing ong my legs hurt so bad. i have so much respect for my parents now knowing that theyd do 13 hour shifts in the hospital.

the projwct itself honestly seems very interesting, im really interested in plasmid cloning so im pretty glad that i get to do it a lot over the next few months, the PhD candidate im shadowing this week lwk scaring me with the fact that it doesnt work a lot of the time but oh well, thats science.

ive been given a lot of reading to go over but i haven't really got the free time to catch up on all of the protocols and stuff orz, probably over the weekend i'll lock in a bit and take some notes and tidy up the current notes that ive got, especially because i realised my handwriting is completely illegible to others.

one reason why i dont have much free time is just sorting out my accommodation, the building is quite awful so my parents and i agreed for me to move out in just over two weeks, just because im busy with other things until then and would prefer not to move out in 2 days LMFAO i have a viewing of the new place on friday and hopefully i can negotiate to start the contract on the day that i want to.

another reason is just meal prepping. since i'm there for the whole day, i can't just slack off like i did in uni and just go home for lunch. i'm not that good at meal prepping especially because im so used to just making two portions of food (dinner that night then leftovers for the next day) but hopefully i can be creative and try get ahead of the game when it comes to meal prepping, its a kinda nice evening routine to do.

ive actually lost my appetite quite a bit with all the stress but its slowly but surely coming back. (i hope). i just hope the next 2 weeks aren't horrible to me.

i just kinda sad i have to use my savings to pay for the double rent for oct and nov, but its only 2 months, money comes back and my mental health matters so much more than trivial things like that. im just glad that my housemates are also moving out with me, albeit we aren't in the same flat anymore orz

04/09/26 - new place for the year

fuck i want to move out already i hate the building that im living in so much

09/09 - EDIT: i went home literally the day after and am now chilling at home until the weekend where i'll go back to the new place since i'll have like 2 days before my internship starts. i've also decided to cancel my tenancy early so i gotta find a new apartment closer to the time of my tenancy ending.

hopefully i dont get horribly depressed i just need to stick it out ugh. im so happy ive got support for moving out early.

24/08/26 - back from rome

for 3 nights i went on holiday with my family to rome for my mom's birthday. it was actually exhausting and stressful and im not too sure how the rest of my family felt about the trip but it was alright on my part, and i got to see all of the big monuments among other things, so that was fun

ate a lot of good food and drank a lot of alcohol, i feel so bad for my parents spending so much money i cant lie, the guilt eats at me icl, especially since my sister and i go back to uni soon so orzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz im so orzzz

anyways, on the flight back, we got one at 23:30 so we spent so much time in the airport but whatever.

i think the brain-melting part was that my brother and i had work the next day LMFAO the rota was wrong too and i was supposed to start 30 mins earlier, but the online and paper rota didn't say the same thing and obviously, since i hadnt been in to work so a while, yeah. i had no clue.

work wasn't even that bad, it just felt so horribly long, so freaking busy since school here starts next week and then i also hadn't slept very much but im surprised i was so awake, at least i have a day off tomorrow

one thing im mad at myself at is that i wanted to go to a concert today, but after i got home, i just took a 3 hr nap and then missed my opportunity to go since i woke up about 20 mins before doors opened ughhhhhh whatever. ill see them eventually. idk if im even going to anymore concerts this year

rome photos will be up tomorrow maybe(?) when i can be bothered. I CANT BELIEVE I FORGOT TO BRING MY CAMERA, so theyre all iphone photos

10/08/26 - moving forward

i'd like to think i've become a bit more self reflective over time, usually writing my stuff in a bit more of a frantic craze but i feel like i'm truly this time, pushing for a change.

i decided to delete tiktok today lol finally, i think it was definitely quite enabling for my mental health, alongside choosing my music with a bit more caution since it tends to amplify whatever mood im feeling tbh. i love midwest emo but genuinely it kept doing my head in if my day wasn't going too good.

i think the main thing that i've realised though is that negativity attracts negativity, even if it was subconscious. of course its good to talk about your feelings, its really cathartic to, but never once have i wanted to foster my own community built off of pain and anger so i'll definitely be a bit more mindful in the future

ANYWAYS

i've been occupied the last few days! i havent been working very many hours but genuinely its been great to be able to get out and feel like i've been doing something productive! im mainly working this summer so i can scrounge up a bit more money before my placement since its unpaid so i can pay for buss passes and what not. i'll need to send in my security deposit tomorrow though before i forget orz

even though its my sister's birthday over the weekend, i dont think we're doing anything crazy, mostly since shes going out with her own friends and whatnot, so i'll probably just work then chill or whatever.

next week is the exciting week !

for my mom's birthday we'll be going on a trip for a few days out of the country, which i hope'll be fun :) i haven't gone on a full family holiday abroad in forever actually so im excited even thought my mom is the prime example of "be kind, its her first day on earth" ordeal anytime we go out, even so, it'll be great, probably.

19/07/26 - what to do

i was thinking of doing more activities instead of just sitting around doing nothing, i also said i was going to take a walk because my feet were hurting, but i didn't do any of that and i, instead, decided to watch ewc finals for league, my fav team Gen.G won their 3rd place match and the team i was rooting for DPlus Kia won the finals so that was really fun.

i was going to continue to watch the msi finals because ngl i didnt watch any msi other than the geng vs t1 match during road to msi, but i watched the LoL classic show match instead and it was funny. Doublelift's first international title and then i stopped watching

i've been wanting to finish the games im playing, so i decided to take a break from cupipara because i was getting burnt out from just reading, so i decided to continue my ffvii rebirth replay, which i'm currently trying to 100%. i usually stay up til 3am to work on things e.g. either working late on the website, playing games or watching movies, where i'm usually on call w my bf but he goes to play badminton in the mornings/afternoon then BOOM, suddenly its my bedtime. i could play without him, which i do sometimes but the vibe isnt the same grrrrr if ur reading this terry, thanks for waking up at 6am and calling me smile

anyways, i really probably should start being more productive with my days but genuinely idk what i can do without spending money or staring at a screen other than drawing, which ive done a bit too much of

11/07/26 - new website updates and self-reflections

i redid my index finally so i'll get around to the other pages. i feel like when i joined neocities, i was drawn to the really full and vibrant sites despite having a great preference towards duller colors and more simple or minimalistic aesthetics, reflected in the current design that i made ! i did want to keep my love for teal in though so its not fully monochrome. i also decided to draw for once (the first image on the page), and i had made another for where the Tetsu Nomura sketch of Noct is, but i decided to scrap it out of self-consciousness as i'm not the most confident about my art anymore lol

i hope that i keep the site like this for at least a bit, i might decide to change the background though since the stark white might be a little bit jarring to me eventually. i need to move onto the other sections of my site though, i think i'll do the about page first.

onto updates about me: i gave myself a mini manicure today, which i hadn't done in a long time. i have so much pride in my hands and how they look so you know its really bad when i neglect them ... WOOPS i did my usual routine, so pushing cuticles back, dehydrating and adding a nail strengthener, i didn't paint them this time around because of my indecisiveness lol i used to just paint them black but i dont feel like it'd suit me anymore LOOOL

i considered removing the hair on my knuckles too but i decided against it.

i remember being called unladylike for it, among other things and haha i can't really get over it sometimes. i won't make an effort to make drastic changes instantly about it so i won't complain but i guess its just a bit upsetting sometimes. i know i shouldn't really be swayed by others since there's never going to be a winning side if you mean to please everyone but the backhanded comments about not conforming to what a girl should act like and enjoy is a bit disheartening. i'll continue to be me though. i just wish i was at least a bit more confident about myself.

my brother said i had a really nice smile and my best friend genuinely agreed with him and that was the happiest i had felt about my appearance in a long time.

22/06/26 - home

managed to get around to posting my digicam photos of the holiday i went on, lowkey i should've selected more from the camera but i honestly cant be asked to redo and make changes so whatever, i have them all in a zip file on my harddrive anyway looooooool

i've been home for almost a week now, really bumming it out i can't lie, from not properly going outside for 3 days in a row, i was almost about to make it 4 but my mom went with me on a walk so i actually went outside. i was going to go outside either way because my thighs have been getting sore, which seems like a pretty bad thing considering im not even doing anything physical, but i guess the doing nothing was doing more harm than i thought.

2706/26 - i'm rewriting this post bc idk felt too vulnerable to keep it up even though that all the things that i said are real and meaningful to me, however i don't really want to air out my dirty laundry on a public site haha. i'll probably end up writing something depressing now anyway so it doesn't really matter

i think i've been feeling down recently, especially since ive been alone most days. i play games alone, ispend my time staring at my blank ceiling just listening to music and i vent in an online diary because i have nobody that i want to burden with my incessant complaints but still want the feeling of knowing that someone is listening.

since being at home, i haven't actually met up with any of my friends here which is kinda erm... haha! its hard to describe what i'm feeling right now honestly. i came to terms with this loneliness for years really, i'm not going to say oh i have the hardest life out of everyone that i know because i know i don't but i feel like i have yet to have a day where i haven't wished to be someone else.

08/06/26 - pre-holiday

it's only been a few days since my last update but i wanted to write something anyway since i probably won't be writing stuff til i move out of my second year uni house and back home haha

i managed to get my gallery up and have definitely styled it in a way that fits my current ideal aesthetics i guess, i want to restyle all my pages now... i did the redirects in a different way to the blog as im not sure whether the tablinks would've worked whilst keeping the full scroll, i mean i can try it but honeslty i can't be bothered and it works fine the way it is lol im not very picky

the photos that i put up are with my digicam only rn bc i didn't want to transfer photos from my phone and post stuff like concert photos which i have a lot of loooool but maybe when i get back again i'll bother to transfer the photos over to my laptop. i should also probably deal with compressing my jpgs but its not an issue right now so thats a later problem, i doubt i'll run out of storage on the site anytime soon anyway.

i'll try take a lot more photos in the coming days tho! i'm going on a 3-night trip with my friend so i guess i have a little bit of nerves, especially since i'm a bit of a worrier or overthinker but it'll all work out great i'm sure! to be fair im more worried about the airport and timings as well as the EES checks when we get to destination airport since the UK left the EU so now theres extra hassle when we arrive and depart, but it should be fine.

other than that, i've actually been a bit down, no clue why really, just have been. i think its just a mix of obviously anxiousness of travelling as well as just the fact that im leaving this house and city soon.

i was hanging out with my friends yesterday from around noon all the way up to 11pm, so i was stuck with the 3 of them for a while. it was really fun, i loved the anime that we marathoned but i loved talking to them a lot before, during, and after the screening. they've been familiar faces for a little over and under a year, seeing them so often during this year, talking pretty much everyday online and the fact that i'm leaving for an entire year just cuts a bit deep lol i think i might've complained about this in the last blog post too, but despite being so excited to start my placement and live in another new area, i can't help but already miss the times i had this year haha. it's alright i'm saying to myself, because i know that there'll be more good moments to come !!!! and it won't be the last time i'm seeing them, and all the others too.

anyways, i KNOW its not the last time im seeing them because even if i don't make it to the society events i said i would go to, i'm sure as hell coming back for the concert i just bought tickets to today. OH MY GOD IM EXCITED....... sleeping with sirens concert im so excited...... i'm hopefully going with the dearest most beloved so heh they cant get rid of me that easily...... but yeah thats the one even im defo going to, especially since i just spent like £80 on our tickets so LMFAO i think the craziest thing about buying these tickets were the fact that i didn't even realise i had presale access loool thank god im a chronic email checker because genuinely we were planning how we would get the tickets during general sale and i was just realising how cursed it would've been since we both wouldn't be in the uk. thank god i had presale, it just saved the time spent panicking over the ticket sales

.....but yeah !! thanks for reading my dump filled with polarising thoughts haha ^_^

03/06/26 - other notes

i was supposed to upload this entry on the 1st so my actual birthday but i got busy and side tracked so its whatever isn't it... better late than never

i lied in the entry beforehand, i just got consumed with other stuff that i couldn't really be asked or be bothered to do my gallery but i'll get to it soon since its summer vacation now.

i've officially finished my second year at university (unless i have to retake my exams, hope not though), i would say that academically, this year has been a lot worse, way more content, coursework and just the craziest overall challenge i've had throughout my academic experience loool. in terms of the social and mental impact, i really feel like my life has improved substantially from last year. i manage to go outside with friends multiple times a week rather than just rotting on my phone, spending time outside with people around me rather than staying cooped up on facetime with my ex (i don't blame him however, but i'm glad i got out of that cycle). i do treasure my first year, it was a good experience, but its been an even greater second year honestly.

i've met and gotten closer to brilliant people this year and i wouldn't trade these experiences for the world. the past week for me has been such a great week, hanging out with people for my birthday, as well as getting closer to some of my coursemates and other friends that i'm unlikely to see over the next year. i genuinely feel like im alive for once.

i also managed to get a placement, far from the uni and my friends and even further from home, but i'll make it work. i need to keep the people i love close to me. eughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh terry if ur reading i miss you already

anyways, im really hyped for my placement ! even if its not in industry i genuinely dont care, i love the topic its about and it really does align with the research and topics that ive been passionate about since my sixth form days, so im really excited to start, so freaking excited to actually do research and translatable work rather than just studying, so i really hope im able to pass this year, preferably with no retakes as well. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH im actually so happy just thinking about next year im like smiling sososo wide just talking about it honestly.

this might be the first time ive actually felt happy writing one of these entries, i'm actually so happy and grateful.

31/01/26 - made it through another month

these days i've been feeling like a dead person walking, doing nothing but ruining my life reaaaaaaally slowly.

i don't actually have much to say other than im gna start working on my gallery lol. took long enough honestly.

19/01/26 - hello gamers

im currently bored of studying and procrastinating.

lwk these past few days ive been waking up at midday and bedrotting til around 2 pm when my stomach starts to hurt from not having eaten anything since 9 pm the night before. i also feel like a bum since ive been ordering food and eating out very often but its okay because ill cook tonight i swear. i should probably get out of my room and wash my cereal bowl, defrost the meat i was going to cook then also eat the leftover pizza that i ordered more than 24 hrs ago and ive left it at room temperature. im not dead yet so its okay. i even got my own pizza order wrong. i wanted a barbecue base.

one thing that went well is that my skin looks good for once, i actually started to care about my skincare since i see my friends irl and they have pretty and smooth skin and i was here with my really obvious acne scarring, especially huge on my nose with 3 billion redness. lately, its been looking a lot better ! i'm not doing this out of an insecurity thing, or out of jealousy of others, but moreso, i want to look after myself for once. i like how i say this after the previous statement. i guess its more like, i want to care a little bit more about my appearance bc the amount of care i put into myself when i was really severely mentally ill was pretty much nil.

anyways, i remember i was gna say something else but now ive forgotten LMFAO. ugh its raining, i cant buy bread. ive been wanting to make a grilled cheese since i came back to uni but forgot to buy bread and i cant be asked to go outside.

i want to go on an outing with someone, i want to go literally anywhere

17/01/26 - what am i doing

hello chat, i said to myself that i wasn't gonna update the site until after my exam period but i genuinely am so uninspired and bummed out by my last exam that im just gonna talk here anyway lol

i only had two midterms, which is a whopping 1 (one) less than last years midterms and finals, but grrrr i honestly am just so blehhhh. its okay though !! ive already done one of them and have 4 days til my next one, so now that im thinking about it its gonna be so chill boss when im finished with it ! i just need to look for placements after *choking self*

anyways, about my backlog of games... i didn't actually get very far because i was like yeah i should study. then i decided to choose two games that are probably the longest options i had, being ff7 rebirth and persona 4 golden so like there was no way in hell that i was gonna finish either of them during christmas break on top of my 9 hour study days or whatever gargantuan task i was doing.

luckily, the anime society decided to screen shit i dont really care about lol during the intersemester break so im mega chilling when it comes to that. so ill probably re-dye my hair, play games and watch stuff i know ill enjoy (even though one of the main reasons i go is to talk with friends anyway, but i dont wanna wake up to head to campus for 10am)

il probably get back to studying now but hopefully i can get the gallery page up (after 5 months of procrastination) when my exams are over and hopefully mroe updates if i remember to do so LMFAO

24/12/25 - merry christmas eve

so im currently trying to finish my backlog of switch games whilst also studying for exams so that i dont feel like im wasting my money.

yesterday i finished play through the last game, trials and tribulations, in the ace attorney trilogy and i liked it a lot as per usual ^_^

im not very smart at deduction and problem solving and tend to care more about the story and content, so i did find it tricky but its alright and i managed to get through it in a decent amount of time. i will say that its probably my least fav game in the trilogy but thats alright i still enjoyed it nonetheless

this christmas eve is a bit boring but i dont really mind honestly, i can jsut play game and eat well so its not too bad. ill probably write another entry in a bit to give my thoughts on collar x malice, which im currently playing through as well :)