24/10/25 - days like this

waow going out w friends tmr

theres a horrible thought in my mind that i cannot erase, the desire to be betrayed just so i dont have to be the one to leave, the desire to be hurt rather than to hurt. ive been feeling this way for a while to be fair, but it had never surfaced as much as it is now. it feels wrong to feel this way, i love the memories and i love the ideas of the future, but i hate the now and i dont think anything will change that.

i want a change but i cannot see how it'll happen if i remained chained down like this. i grind my teeth every day and night, my hormones are completely out of balance and the pain inside my head everyday that cannot be healed no matter how many pills i take. in this moment, i cannot feel your presence, and when i do it feels foreign and uncomfortable. i cannot find comfort in your words when i constantly think about the things that i have missed and the places that i do not belong. i know that you probably share these feelings but are just so much mentally stronger than i could ever be. i cannot reciprocate the energy, cannot respond with gusto, cannot feel the same way as i did before.

i wish i was better, i wish that i would never feel this way, i wish that you just understand how i feel,i wish i felt secure, i wish that you were here with me

if this were a different time, similar to last year, im sure that it would all be fine, but people change but it seems like things cant change enough

11/10/25 - what the hell

hello gang it has been a while

ive finished 2 weeks of uni now and honestly I dont know whether to say im overwhelmed or underwhelmed tbf.

ive barely had any lectures, mostly just the extra lessons that my uni offers for my course, which im not disappointed about but whenever i do have an actual lecture i feel mindblocked and unfocused, I guess i should just do extra work myself, which sounds so keen of me :Sob:

to be fair i have been learning stuff independently anyway, mostly R, i know i should really flesh out my html / css but for the line of work that i want to pursue in the future, it makes more sense to learn R, i hate this stupid chud life god... R is hoenstly pretty easy compared to other software *cough cough* C++ and Haskell (i gave up on learning Haskell) plus my uni offers free subscriptions to coding courses and stuff, so i might end up revisiting more C++ and C probably. At least after become i become confident in R.

anyways, enough academic talk. i actually bought tickets for a convention in october that i'll be attending with my uni friends, i usually go with my boyfriend and random selection of our other friends during may but i was getting real bad fomo seeing my uni friends talk about it that i was just like "fuck it let me go too", considering i barely even have any lectures im not too worried about it anyway and my bf is going with his uni friends too but on the sunday lollll. we went this may and we're probably gna go next may tgt too anyway LOOOOOL

ive been having a lot more fun this year at uni at least, the crowd i hung out with most often in first year drunk and smoked a lot so hanging out with people that dont really do that often is a welcome change. i still feel the urge to smoke whenever i do want to hang out with them though, which isn't the most amazing feeling, but i do try my best and abstain. i do feel like i dont feel addicted to it anymore though, especially since i have a visceral reaction to it if i try to smoke alone or something, it feels so embarassing like dont look at me shortening my lifespan by lighting a piece of paper with leaves in it like thats so cringe... i'm glad i feel this way now though, better than spending £18 every few weeks on cigarettes like other people at this uni gragh

i also feel like ive been spending so much money, just because we keep going out to meet up and then we eventually eat and eating costs money like whatever i guess. im having fun with it though so im not gonna complain too much, i'm not going out everyday but im going out tomorrow as well lawdy lawd. also ive never been so happy to have someone who lives not too far from me so whenever i do end up staying late past 10 or in the early AMs i dont have to go back home alone bc god, walking late in my hometown was like wanting to gamble with whether you wanted a knife up ur back

anyways, lets hope for better tomorrows!

22/09/25 - uni starts again

my uni starts back up again next week other than all of the freshers activities, which is fun. literally tonight, I've been applying to a few placement opportunities so that I have something for next year and hopefully continue my masters course. I really want to stay on this masters course god...

my food situation is looking a little bit worse for wear since I keep just buying stuff, which i should probably try to cut back on, especially since i dont have my student finance yet, once again, next week I will.

i miss my family a lot, especially my dad. but i do miss the rest of my family a lot too, including my dog. fuck I miss my dog. and how could I forget missing my boyfriend. I miss him so much. we didn't really go out multiple times a week anyway so i dont think the distance is so horribly bad, but just knowing I don't have my best friend there to hang out with and talk to irl is a bit jarring. i do try to call him everyday but honestly I do get a bit drained sometimes since he's on call with his friends too. i dont really mind but sometimes i just wanna hang and talk with him one-on-one but its whatever ig

anyways, enough about that. i've been enjoying hanging out with my friends quite a bit honestly. the walk at like 1am for 30 mins from their house to mine wasn't desirable, however, my university city is pretty safe so i didn't feel bothered about it unlike if i went to uni in london LMFAO i can't wait to hang out with them more this year tbf

i also decided to be a peer mentor this year, meaning im in charge of a few people in the cohort below, my juniors ig...., I was pretty nervous at the start I can't lie, then i forgot that i was like socializing pro, but i also forgot that i also stutter when i speak a lot. maybe because im not really used to speaking a lot to people irl :sob: but it was good, they were friendly enough and it felt good just giving them general advice or whatever.

so thats all im probably gonna write about today, i'll come back when i feel like it and possibly update my site a little more or give it a bit of a rejuvenation. im also probably gna cook some miso soup bc boy am i hungry.

anyways, lets hope for better tomorrows !!

02/09/25 - happy september

its been a while since i made an update, mostly busy due to work but yippee my contract is over and im done with working lol, im officially unemployed again wahoo

this morning i managed to wake up to my alarm as always but just fell back asleep anyway and had around 30 mins to get my ass into work so ugh. the shift was chill at least, not really any customers or anything so it was alright, just stood around and talked lol...

what i was looking forward to most at the end of the day tho was getting my bf to come and each lunch w me after loooool, i took him to a nice greek street food place bc he loves greek food and we really enjoyed it :D im glad he liked it a lot tbf,,,, i also pseudoforced him to come over and hang w me for a bit at my house even though he had something else that he needed to do but oh well!!! he spent time w my family n stuff so i dont think that was too bad >_< sorry !

then i realised im going back to university in a few weeks, a little over two weeks now actually and im a bit excited but scared at the same time... its my second year so im really used to living on campus and reheating my leftovers from dinner for lunch but now that im living off campus im really stuck on what to do for lunch now!!!! i think ill just end up making packed lunches since i wanna save money and all but i literally havent got the slightest clue where to eat for lunch as well as what to bring T_T so ill probably look up some bento recipes and just follow my friends around for places to eat and if my uni friends are reading this please tell me places to eat istg. anyways, thats literally my only worry about university and im very grateful for my mother for funding my bus pass i owe her the world.

anyways, lets hope for better tomorrows !! (i hope im a successful bum)

24/08/25 - work among other things

i'll probably start with talking about yesterday since i didn't manage to write a post about it even though it was probably one of the more eventful days of my unfortunately dull summer, i went out with my boyfriend's family to a historical town and then the beach nearby! i was really surprised actually bc i thought it was just gonna be a random town but it was super pretty, rich in history and i got some good photos out of it !! my boyrfriend didn't tell me anything about us going to the beach but the temperature was great and i think that it was super fun to just hang out with his family a it more :)

now today. i didn't even sleep that much last night and i woke up in such a miserable mood heading into work, i was early/ on time for once so im surprised but as soon as work started i got handed to such an annoying first customer... the kid was just so picky and i kept running back and forth with their shit constantly and they literally killed my spirit so much that after i finished up with that family i just told my manager that i needed 5 mins and teared up instantly. uhh warning i cry so easily and i hope i didnt look like an utter baffoon

anyways, tomorrow im off work again and i get to hang out with my bfs family again yippee! going to another beach this time and i wont wear the baggy jeans TT or at least ill bring a change of clothes for when we get there LOL

for the rest of the night i think i want to try reformatting my myanimelist since the actual anime list part uses css (i used a template last time) and i think i'm good enough maybe i dont know,,, the actualy profile probably will have to wait a bit since i just need to look at some bbcode but hopefully i can get that done too.

anyways, lets hope for better tomorrows !!

22/08/25 - 8ams and hnnggggghhhh

i did infact go to work on time, i barely made it in time tbf. I keep rocking up to the store maybe 3 mins before my shift starts lol, not on purpose but i just end up getting there and walking into the shop as morning briefings are happening, which i dont think is very good.

i also kept getting micro-managed today, like yes girl I gave the woman two bags so yes, I charged her for both bags liek TT i know i'm a bit dense sometimes and but we are the same age, i think i have enough common sense even if im just a temporary summer worker... plus the paper bags are so spenny what the freak... i also didnt manage to sell any of the extra items too and i think they were very disappointed with that but honestly yeah, i just forget and also i lose all confidence when they reject it and i just dont want to pursue it further.

ig im a pushover :sob:

other than going to work, i got my bf anniversary presents for our one year YIPPEE i love him so much... on the off chance that he reads this, i wont spoil the surprise but i really hope he loves it and smiles when he sees it bc i really love it a lot and i love him.......................... gah...

i think the issue with me and giving presents tho is the fact that for some reason i always think bigger is better but i think ive made peace with the fact that the value and sentiment is more important than the quantity and size of the gift, so i think what i got for him is super good... i probably do want to get a few extra stuff but i think what i got is pretty good and yeah im SUPER happy with what i chose to get >_<

finally, I wanted to talk about this website! i've become more confident in my css styling, im mostly just looking at html sections now (this entire blog page was me struggling to find out how to use details, buttons and implementing javascript into my code using tabs, which was honestly pretty hard for me since i know nothing about js, so it was literally me copying w3schools code :sob:). i finally formatted the blog section too yippee! i think i might add some pngs and stuff to make the page more interesting but for now i dont really mind and i think it looks good, as of right now, whilst im typing this, all i have to really as is the button to go home, but after that, I'd say its pretty complete!

anyways, lets hope for better tomorrows!

21/08/25 - augh work and rest

i got up pretty late again icl, i usually get up late but gosh... i set an alarm for 11am and still managed to stay on my phone in bed til 12:30 LOLLLL... I also honestly wouldn't have gotten up if i didn't have work, which gah is so draining.

sometimes i feel completely useless at work, like im not actually doing my job properly and i always want someone to hand-hold me throughout the entire thing, which, yes, I know is bad but I honestly lose all of my confidence when I get out onto the shop floor. I think i'm made for something else whcih isn't like clothing retail or anything horribly customer interacty ig idk :sob: (yes I'm gonna use discord emote codes).

i was actually gonna start formatting the blog section and everything but I got so burnt out and couldn't be asked LOOLLLL I also have work tomorrow morning too so that doesnt help D: HOW DARE THEY MAKE ME WAKE UP BEFORE 9AM!!!! but yeah, I just wanted to chill and get at least one post out idk >_< I also wanted to space out my coding honestly because I know that if I kept doing it every night for a few hours at a time I definitely think I'd be uninspired and take longer than I usually do, which is pretty crazy since I already take a while to code already...

my primary coding experience is in python, C, C++ or C# and also R but for university work. I'm pretty slow at picking up different coding languages too so it really takes me a while to get used to, definitely a lot of tabs open all the time, but sometimes I just get a bit embarassed or self-conscious, because im reading back on my updates section and thinking to myself, "yeah i havent done all that much today" but every time I do sit down to code its for maybe 4-5 hours at a time... a little embarassing if you ask me !

anyways, lets hope for better tomorrows!